Friday, December 28, 2007

2008? What! Part I

Well another year is about to cross that finish line around the sun. 2007. Said and done. I suppose I should reflect on my year, peeling away what I’ve learned, what I’ve gained, and what I’ve lost. I suppose I should set goals for this New Year too.

And I’m a little distracted by my Word program that is insisting I capitalize the new year. I don’t want to. I mean talk about pressure – New Year in caps, like it’s a pronoun of relevance. Its not, it just another year, right? Don’t pressure me Word!

Okay, breathe.

Introspection is not a bad thing and something new is always fun, right?

Reflections of 2007

I got my Master’s Degree in Social Work.
For some reason, this act confirmed that I need to write. Don’t know how that happened. I’m trying to be practical. Find a job I like where I can make decent money to maintain myself…but in the end, I would prefer to stumble and fall writing. At least I almost have a day job to support my stumbling. I look onto friends who write, like Jim C. Hines, to encourage me to make cardboard then to not try at all!

I got disowned from my family.
What can I say? My fam and I have been fighting for years about the subject of me. I thought we were doing well when they accepted my sexuality. But for some reason, I have failed them at every turn. I thought I was raised to be an independent woman who could take her time in finding love and family. Every year I don’t produce a grandchild and every year I fail to win the heart of a long term love is a direct insult to my mother. Three days after I graduated with my Masters, the event my family decided not to attend, my Mum calls me up and lets me know I am an ungrateful brat and I can be done already. Goodbye GoGo!

I think I practice this exercise in my own life as I find it immensely easy to push people away and discount them as insignificant, and if they are significant, I run. Damn insight! Damn you self-awareness!

I am grateful to my family though. They pointed out the obvious behavior I’ve internalized and perform in my own life. Even without them in my life, I know they still love me and I love them. Funny how comfortable I am with that statement. With that said, I’m ready to learn how to do this differently. We don’t have to run or disown when things get tough. Sorry they have to, but I do not. Easier said than done, right.

I stopped sleeping around gratuitously.
Did I mention the above? Sex is great, but let’s face it; I am that person who finds relationships that embody my twisted sense of self-worth. And though I have loved all my lovers and dysfunctional girlfriends, I am ready to do it different…okay I was dysfunctional too…it wasn’t all them. The point is it doesn’t work anymore. Good news, I am happy enough with me to wait for something worth while. Not that one night stands, for now relationships, and friends with bene’s aren’t fun. It’s just that I think I get it now. I get where I put my worth. So excuse me while I go and grab it.

I lost over 40 lbs.
Woo! This is a hard one for me to talk about. First, I am glad to be loosing weight and becoming healthy. Somehow I feel like I am betraying fat gyrls everywhere because I prefer a healthier body. I feel more comfortable in the world. I have dreams that entail climbing a mountain, hand gliding, and yeah shopping at any store I want. My body wasn’t giving me what I wanted out of life, so we decided to do something about it. I like activity. I like growing into a body image I can deal with. I also like the fact that at every step of this journey, I’ve questioned my internalized fat phobias. I love myself for choosing to do something for me, not because I am getting thinner. In the end, I know this makes me a happier and healthier person.

With that said, I am so glad I have lived a larger life. I’ve been liberated from such HUGE social pressure that as I grow into a healthier body I find it easier to pick out the people who value aesthetic completeness. You know that person who loves because “she’s hot” or “she’s at the social level I want to be at”. I totally get to be hot and to be honest I have the in on so many social levels that this isn’t the thing that completes me.

How do I describe this for others to understand? Okay, so as a fat gyrl I am pretty loved and “popular” by that social definition of having many friends and people in my life. Okay, let’s just call that true. So, me being thin is a bonus for me. And yeah, thin gives me space to get away with more things. Now, I get to sing in an elevator with other people who will join in because I look the part of cool. Holla. I get to be me and you can’t help but love it, even if it’s just a surface value. Don’t get me wrong, I’d sing in the elevator anyway. Everyone wants to and it just takes one person to begin the round.

Okay, so I never sang on an elevator with others around. I just made it up as an example. Course, now I want to try and see what happens. Can someone give me a bflat?

I totally went off subject didn’t I? I think I am still working on my value systems with this one.

I forgot to go to London.
Okay, so I decided not to go…for now. I’ll get there though. I know I will. What happened was, all my clothes were too big and wouldn’t fit before I was to go. Literally. I had nothing to wear in London and well…I hear they expect folks to wear clothes.

God and I decided to call it quits.
I decided my relationship with “God” is too interconnected with the Christian version, so we split up. We’re considering it a trial separation, but so far, I’ve appreciated the silence between us. I’m thinking of moving in a lesser deity any day now.


Anonymous said...

OMG. This is funny. Honest outlook on life too.


Wenda said...

Wow! That's a lot accomplished. Even the decision to postpone London sounds like an accomplishment to me. Congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Ya'll rock my world. Thanks so much!

LSL said...

What a rockin year you had. Thanks for the nice comment on my blog. I've bookmarked you, so I'll be back. Go you!