Thursday, January 3, 2008

how to find acceptance from a cold

Day 3 of the year and the cold still brews a hearty cough in my chest. Hell Yeah. This cold is persistent and insistent in keeping me feeling like drudge. Colds suck, don’t they? It really takes time out of my day just so I can feel like crud. My own version of pampering lasted until this morning when I woke up. Suddenly, I didn’t want to be patient with being sick anymore. I also did not want to share another night on the couch with three cats, each shoved in one of my crevasses or another, conveniently comfortable. I find myself chatting at the cats about giving a sick person space sometimes like they even care and that’s when I realized I’m done feeling sick. Of course, that doesn’t stop the congestion or runny nose. And I think to myself, Damn, another thing I have no control over.

Its funny, how many things we don’t have control over. I’m beginning to get the distinct feeling that we in fact have no control over anything! Choices, sure. Most of those choices don’t really give the outcomes I want, which takes us back to having no control! Of course, as I write this I am realizing this part of my dialogue has little to do with control over a cold. But let’s use it as an example anyway.

So, here I have a cold. I didn’t do anything to get this cold, except maybe work harder than I should. I didn’t ask to get a cold and it’s rather inconvenient. In the end, I have a cold. No control. What I can do is take care of myself. I can choose to stop running around and be at home. I can prep a nice little sick bed for myself so I am not searching for tissues and throat lozenges in the middle of night. I can let myself feel crappy and cruddy and pretty much like sh!t…because that’s how the cold feels. I can also ignore it, suck up the crappy feelings layered in my body, and in the end I would probably be worse off. These are my choices. Take care and accept or not and suffer more consequences.

Replace cold with anything in life and its pretty much the same result. Take care and accept or not and suffer more consequences. Forget about trying to control the cold by telling it you don’t want it in your life. It’s there that nasty little cold ruminating in your body. I don’t like to accept things. If I don’t like something, I change it. If I want something more in life, I try to go after it and get it. But what do I do with this cold? I don’t want it, its still here. I’m trying to get better, but the cold isn’t leaving quick enough. See, no control.

My fuzzy little cold filled mind reminds me about all those self-help articles I’ve read in Oprah about letting go and I gather this is the part where that letting go thing comes into play? I’m not sure what that’s about. Let go? What the hell does that mean anyway? And can we really trust enlightenment from a magazine?

Let go and accept I have a cold, my internal zen master says as I pictured her saying on page 16 of Oprah.

Okay, did that. I still have a cold, my internal brat responds.

Then accept it, my internal z.m. stouts back.

Okay, I have a cold and I feel like crap. Now what? …….Oh.

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