Friday, February 29, 2008
When I ask the question does quitting out weigh the consequences. The answer is No. You’all I’m quitting to live, so why would I accept the potential for more damage to my body then what I have already done. I mean I am a smoker, but I’ll be damn if that isn’t down the same road as the Tuskegee Experiments. Except its wrong to smoke…right, I really am a bad person aren’t I? Fuck no, and I am NOT buying into that kind of mentality. Study the research…we don’t know all the potential effects. If I could trust the pharmaceutical companies, I would totally take it, but you can’t. Over and over again they have proven they will manipulate and cut corners for profit.
Still, I won’t be the test case in this scenario even if I am a smoker and deformed babies are better then me smoking apparently. There is an ideology occurring with this new pill that doesn’t feel right. Not to me anyway. What I have read only informs that this is too risky a medication, and the ONE reason that folks try and combat the potential risks is “Well the benefits outweigh the potential consequences.” Not smoking is the benefit. So, I just decided I’ll quit on my own and not spend the next 5 years wondering if my kid is going to be affected.
There have been no deformed babies. There just isn’t enough research on women who have used the medication and produced children afterwards, and at 10X the dose in rats, this med does cause deformity of fetuses. Just reiterating for the one person who starts the game of telephone and one day the PharMa is at my door expecting me to pay them. And lets face it women, the pharmaceutical and medical industry haven’t really taken our health into account for much of anything. Tampoons – made for women – have toxins in them. Childbirth is treated like an epidemic of pain that must be stopped. Um, there is Viagra but where the hell is my orgasmic pill?
Nah, I guess I would rather continue to fight the cold turkey fight and be done with this sh!t once and for all.
I changed the quit plan a little to accommodate the cold turkey way. Every day I try and quit the whole day. Week 1, I do not smoke at work. Week 2, I only smoke 5 cigarettes and do not smoke at work. Week 3, I cut out 1 cigarette of the 5 until there are no more to smoke. And I try and quit every day. Starting with day 1. I have yet to have a cigarette. To be honest, I like the blurry head buzz from not smoking. Though the idea of not smoking at some point today feels impossible. Oh addiction, You own me…bastard.
And why would a smoker think they are better then the pharmaceutical companies? I grew up over medicated. Great doctors, but the medication protocol only made me sicker. Even now, I am a smoker and I am no longer on 5 different pills for asthma and sinus infections. I’m not saying medications aren’t important, they are! I just had the bad experiences on the spectrum of things. Learned a long time ago, they’ll dose you for anything!
i am a participant of x365
At my friend, The Chief's, request i am going to start posting a lump of these once or twice a week. apparently it is more fun to get a dollop at a time then have to wait each day for one entry. i totally get it! beacause i am a stickler for the rules, i am now going to try to get ahead, so i am posting the weeks x365 in advance. who wants to feel behind all the time. i'm just saying, its stressful enough to think of 365 people! :) and speaking of the x365, this is a great process. it really makes me look at how i carry people and how i remember them. i'm at 53 now and i still have a load of people i can write about. i never knew how we folks affect each other in layers. we are so connected to one another. this writing project has been trippy fun. anywho, i was digressing again...for The Chief, I will now dispense in dollops!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not how we carry ourselves forward that matters the most in life. Life can be full of suffering. It can. I will not deny that death brings grief; anger brings hurt, and the heart can get bruised from time to time. I see so many people in my world who linger under the wounds of hurt, carrying it on their sleeves confusing suffering for the heart exposed. I have seen so many folks adamant to avoid feel through their suffering, they lie stagnant in the pain perpetually digging deeper into their own scars. It’s not the heart strapped to the arm then, it’s the misery of having one.
Pain is inevitable sometimes, as life just has a way of being both happiness and sorrow mixed. I’m writing you this pragmatic prose in hopes that I might shed some burden for you on your own road forward. How you carry yourself through the micro chasm of distress that comes our way is really the key to a good life. My proof for my words is, I don’t know you yet, but you know me. I have no clue, even now as I skid through my 30s, how the hell we get to you, but still I write to you. I write with faith – that act of playing as if something is really true even if our lives tell us something different. I believe that there will be someone at the end of this letter, even if I am unsure how you might be there ready to read my words.
As a social worker, in the mental health field none-the-less, too many times I see the same sadness from different mouths, each thinking their misery is a special kind dosed out just for them. Others cause their suffering; others make or break their days. So many think that the idea of loss, anger, sadness, and depression are impassable feelings that linger until our end. So not true. If we take the time to find the good amongst the bad, no matter how faint it feels, we really do go forward with a lighter sense of self.
Even grief is the process of caring about what was lost. I grieve because I care for what has left me. Sure it’s a pretty sh!tty process sometimes, but it is their to honor the loss, not drown us with pain. It is there to give us pause; so that we may learn what to carry with us and what must be let go of. Though I cannot change the loss, I can honor grief for what it truly is in the situation.
So feel your pain to walk through it. Find a song or poem that reflects the mood, know you are not alone in the feeling, and then release it. Find the songs and poems that reflect how you want to feel and listen to know that we really do go through cycles in life. Whatever you do though, remember to carry yourself as your life is a unique dance meant for you to live one time only, no matter how many lifetimes you live with your soul. Carry yourself as though you are meant to be and avoid believing that it is the suffering that is meant to be.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
In High School, we went to your grave, adding to the mementos left on tombstone, retelling story of how you died in Jr. High, reentering to save kittens in the fire.
She informed our English class that she wanted to go to the Prom with Eric because chances were better she would get Prom Queen then with her boyfriend. She didn’t win.
Voted Class President. Nice, sweet, popular, smart and very responsible in High School. Never exhibiting insecurity like her friends (see Summer). She actually won by popular vote. Her demeanor disabled envy.
I am a participant of x365
Friday, February 22, 2008
What do these bills have to do with the Anti-abortion bill? Nothing. Except to stop said bills from seeing the light of day.
Got to love our gov't. not!
The bills in question are HB 4675 -4678. As soon as I can, I will link them here.
Anyway, that is why I posted the Clinton whoop ass below. Humor to offset the frustrations with this State.
Happy Friday, GoGo
Front-line liberation worker, she was a bright star that burned out too fast, sending the world to spin without her light source in the sky. It doesn’t seem right, does it?
46/365 Jenn (undergrad)
Taught me the first three chords of Wish You Were Here. Told us the story about carmex rubbed on a$$, squishing face to make the point, leaving us exhausted from laughing.
I am a participant in x365
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
This is a band out of Portland, OR. Holla to Portland!
i think i might be the only person who gets into a good mood from listening to melodic music.
My edges are starting to feel worn raw as my schedule is filled to the max. Working too much, playing a little too much too. Trying to get from point A to point B, and i woke up feeling further away then ever before AND my car has decided to act up today. phh.
fastforward: pop in this song, and its all manageable.
And lyrics about hedgehogs are ace to me.
Whatever. Don't judge.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Tripped-out traveler, chewing the marrow of life until the bone became hollow and then you made a whistle. The poem given me, weathered yellow into memory, tucked in an old journal.
Your kindness and humor still sticks to memory's skin, I’ll never think of the word “fork” or “rubber” the same. I hope to look you up if ever in Hong Kong.
I am a participant of x365.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Labeled school nerd, product of others hatred. I remember at 6 defending you from 4 gyrls throwing snowballs at you, breaking your glasses. I’d do it anytime. We blame the victims.
41/365 George Bush
Hail, Prez. You’ve been in my life way too long, sending our honorable soldiers for your greedy war. Why is it I don’t mind Obama’s past cocaine history over your own?
I am a participant of x365
Friday, February 15, 2008
So, once again I have decided to quit smoking. Yes, I am one of those people who struggle with smoking. I want to quit, but something keeps me from completing the desire. Still I keep trying. I want to quit smoking.
I will admit, there is a part of me who likes smoking. I just do. The deep inhale, hold, and exhale. The filter between my fingers. The snapping sound of the carcinogenetic embers burning. Sigh.
Alas, for me, this is one of the last frontiers of irrational behaviors that sound good, but aren’t really. Like drinking soda. It sounds good doesn’t it? A guzzle of super charged sugar and bubbles down the gullet. Hmm. In moderation soda is good, but too much and…well, there is tooth decay, diabetes, etc. I don’t drink pop, except once in a blue moon because it’s just not good for us. So, I ask myself daily, why am I not drinking pop, but smoking a cancer cell just waiting to happen? I also ask myself do I really want to get lung cancer and know I can’t wail out loud to G-d, “Why! Why! I’m not ready to go?” Because my internal dialogue WILL SAY – “Dude, you know this is your fault.”
I know there are some who might comment, soda is different it doesn’t kill! Duh. I’m not judging your intake of soda, do what you want, I am just saying why would I abstain from pop but not smoking? But then, humans are irrational sometimes. We do things not for our best interest but what feels good, and a nice parliament between the fingers feels good.
Anywho. What spurs me to quit is I don’t like the idea that I am addicted to something. That it doesn’t take my body long to crave a smoke and that honestly, I don’t even think about popping one to my mouth at home. That bastard Parli owns me and well, mmm, I don’t like that feeling. I also wonder what life would look like if I didn’t spend time in my day devoted to smoking…like breaks and before I go out. I don’t like the smell. I don’t like the cough. I ironically do like the buzz of smoking after running, which is seriously messed up. I don’t like knowing I could be a faster runner if I quit smoking. I don’t like the fact that if I do get lung cancer, after all the PSAs on TV informing me that it causes cancer, I would look like a tragic moron when I die of cancer.
Why am I posting? ‘Cause I got another one of my plans in the work. This time I am using Chantix. I so want to quit cold turkey. Its not happening, and I want to quit more then looking good quitting. Blah. Unfortunately, I don’t trust this drug. It’s the new miracle drug which means the lot of us will probably grow tumors in our lungs within five years. They’re using the argument that the drug may have side effects, but quitting out weigh the effects. Which as we all know means…we hired a public relations person to cover up some serious sh!t so when the truth comes out we can say we really told you so…but not really. I figure it might be good to chronicle the experience of taking such a new drug for others. I found it helpful to actually talk to people who used the medication, so perhaps someone else might benefit too. And if the rumors are true that Chantix can cause a mental melt down...well you saw it here first, folks.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
I am a participant of x365.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I tell you, the city is entirely encrusted with ice. Not smooth, ice skating quality ice either. It’s rough and bumpy. Remnants of tire treads sculpt the landscape. And if ground is exposed below the layers of sheer ice, it’s usually a pot hole peeking through. I’m just saying its rough terrain.
Now, I have pride for my ability to escape close calls. Sure I might look like an idiot as I slip on the ice, but at least I save myself the fall. Not this time. Nope. I went down so fast I was flat on the ground before my internal dialogue could finish saying, “I’m slipping.”
So, there I am lying in the middle of this alleyway for a second trying to get my bearings. My head and butt were competing for first place in pain when these two guys I know came walking up and began to sing Simon & Garfunkel’s song, Slip Sliding Away, right over my prostrated body.
Yeah. I love this town.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
My gyrl with the hershy’s kisses, we spend our time like the dynamic duo, the Christian and the Dyke, spreading chaos and love whenever we work. I remember the conversation still.
Co-worker extraordinaire, totally introduced me to the best cat ever. Gracie was such a good time. She reminds me attitude can come with a smile. You’re on my dream team, lady.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Life’s been busy. My days are kind of filled with so many things to do, I barely notice time is passing by. Its February already. Its 2008. I guess I’ve been too busy steering my life to notice. Excuse the pun. :) I cannot remember where I discovered Missy Higgins. Who out there in blogville posted her video “Where I Stood”? Anyway, I like Missy. She’s poppy, but fun. What I like about this video I am posting is the concept of the song. Yeah, I can steer…hence the pun. What I REALLY like about this video is the part in the video where she wipes her face. She’s so hot at that moment. Not necessarily the second time, but the first time she does it…heart just went bling!
Have a good weekend. ~GoGo
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
I tried posting a poem here for your review, but the formating is all wrong. I need to learn how to write in html, don't I.
So, go here and read her poem.
You’ve had to brave life born into poverty and without the resources that most of us rely on to survive. You’re a brilliant soul, kind. I admire the kid you are.
Second in line to walk poverty’s line. I barely know you or you me. We stare at each other when I come to visit, “auntie with the education”, I’m your black-sheep.
My older sis. You still call me ‘baby sister’. As children, you cradled me in your safety, until the day I grew older than you, and then I began holding you.
I'm a participant of x365.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Warm ball of southern twanged sunshine, your smile radiates from you. You’re the bright hope of future and imagination, who began to write poetry by age 10. Your my little cousin.
27/365 Little Bo
Tall and growing taller, your heart was on your sleeve at birth. You tell gross fart jokes and only from you do I appreciate them. You are my heart, little brother.
I am a participant of x365.
Friday, February 1, 2008
So what’s the point of this bill? I mean this law would say that, if you are obese, we don’t want you here in public eating next to us, the thin people, and to ensure we don’t have to see you, we’re going to punish any food establishment that lets you in – fatty, fat, fat! Oh and just so you know, we’re going to have restaurant establishments get your BMI and keep it on record.
This law does nothing to promote healthier lifestyles! In the “fight on obesity” this bill clearly argues that if you are overweight, there is something wrong with you, so much so, you cannot be seen eating in public! It doesn’t reduce the amount of trans fats in the food served, doesn’t create municipal or state level grants for programs that promote healthy food education. It is a law that promotes segregation! Except, apparently since Mississippi can no longer segregate based on color, its decided to pick on larger folks. Hey, why not, apparently its social acceptable these days to hate obese people. I mean fat people are lazy and are gluttonous and it’s on people to make sure there are consequences for that gluttony.
This bill is blatant act of social shunning and abuse of social laws. There is no reason for the bill except to isolate and star individuals as unacceptable to a certain section of the masses. It is clearly old school hatred in new school form – its no longer kosher to pick on you for the color of your skin, so let’s just base it on your belt size! Fatty, fat, fat, fat.
Mr. Mayhall, clearly you are under the impression that laws are for controlling the masses, not promoting the public well-being. Did you mad lib the old Jim Crow laws or what!