Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Stomach Virus of 2008: The flipside of embarassing

The mounts of snow piled high against the curbs of this city have melted into dirty lumps of gravel and grit. The winter wonderland from the snow storm last week turned into an impenetrable fog only to be lapped up by the winds today. The air has a sweet scent of wet earth and the earth worms have come out of the ground to avoid their drowning.

The day still too short has already succumbed to darkness. I’m working ridiculous this week and find my days are ending before they even begin as there is no time between shifts to do anything except sleep. To be fair, I had the stomach virus last week between coming back from another trip to New York City into a long work week and I’m still recuperating. My energy low is slowly beginning to rise again.

Yeah, about the stomach flu. Um, I am now officially one of those people who will be remembered for making a flight rather uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure of it. The virus began to take hold of me during the decent of the plane to the Cincinnati Air Port. I was returning home after a week in NYC with the g/f and had a stop in Ohio before taking the flight to Michigan. I was buckled in, turbulence was high, and I had to use one of those puke bags to vomit up my guts. A horrifying experience for me, all I could do was listen to the grape vine growing down the aisle. “Someone’s puking.” “Oh g-d, who?” “Couldn’t she have waited till we landed, how rude.” A horrifying experience for everyone else too, I suppose. I even made another woman puke.

During the flight, as my head began to spin, my stomach ache, I spent my time listening to this wanna be actress behind me provide her autobiography to the man next to her. Apparently he had something to do with the film industry and since serendipity sat her next to him, she used the open invite to NOT STOP talking about her self. Everything from her mouth was I statements, “I did”, “I saw”, “I am” until I began puking in which her commentary turned to “I knew a guy once who got sick…”

I wanted to puke on her.

The stewardess was pleasant, though annoyed. After the onset of vomit, she gave me more puke bags, better versions of the ones in the chair pocket. She did have to take one from my new stash to give to the other lady I made puke. It made the women sitting next to me chuckle. I have to say, the woman who was forced to sit next to me was kind. I spent my time facing the window, too embarrassed to turn around, but when I did I was greeted with the kindest smile from her. She didn’t have to have such a warm smile, I mean she was sitting next to me and let’s face it, puke is disgusting, but she did. She smiled and told me it was going to be all right. “These things happen.” Thank you lady sitting next to me.

My connection flight was canceled and I managed to get the airline to give me a free hotel. Thank goodness. I spent the remainder of my day into the next throwing up, and well…you don’t want to know. All I could do was lie in the bed and feel absolutely grateful that I had a bed so far away from my home to rest in. My love also got sick. I spent my brief moments of consciousness texting her, she me. Checking in, we worried about the other. I had wished we could have been sick together.

Ah, but a week later, I am very glad that time has cushioned the experience. It seems so long ago and I am glad for it. Everyone at work has been getting the stomach flu too. We all share our experiences of how awful it was to be sick. We compare the disgust coming out orifices and who we infected. Apparently this virus has a humbling affect on most of my coworkers as incontinence of stomach contents seems to be the surprising theme. I am not the only one who suddenly found her self tossing her nutrients with no warning. I can’t change the fact that I vomited high in the sky with about 30 other people crammed into a small space. Though I can only imagine how others will carry the experience of “that gyrl who puked” I have to admit, I do appreciate the fact that mine is one of the more interesting retelling of the stomach virus of ’08.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Holiday!

Hope everyone's holiday went well. Thank g-d its over. :).

Per a request a new updated pic of me. This is a pic of me at Thanksgiving at a friends house. True to form, I excluded pics of peeps in my life, so its cropped.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

6pm Stranded Deviation Time (SDT)

I initially gave myself the online name of GoGo Roku because I liked the sound of it. I thought it was a benign translation of numbers in Japanese. Go = 5, GoGo then meant 5 - 5, and Roku meaning 6. I was googling on the over night shift tonight and just realized GoGo Roku might actually mean, 6pm. GoGo means afternoon or p.m. in Japanese.

Hmm. I want to change this site from GoGo's Stranded Deviation to GoGoRoku's, just so I can say its 6pm's Stranded Deviation. I like the sound of that.

Of course, technically, 6pm in Japanese would be gogo roku-ji.

I also realized I apparently never really learned how to tell time in Japanese.

:) ~gg

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Crap-a-de-crap-crap: Tis the Season

The winter holidays bum me out. It started out as a response to the constant exposure to the financial stress procured by the familia in winter into the reaction of the absence of them, into my very own memorial season of the feelings alone and loneliness. Sometimes I think the brassy blues that creep up around this time is an automatic habit procured by years of reinforcement. I never feel so alone or lonely in any other season as I do in winter, particularly around X-mess. I want to crawl into a hole in winter and die, I tell you. Rot and fester and decompose just to honor the misery of feeling alone.

Except I am not alone. I’m seeing someone. And this isn’t the first winter season I have been in this predicament either. I mean, in holiday seasons past, I have also been with someone. Hmm. What gets me is, if I am with someone or not, I still feel alone. I could say because in the relationships of the past it was VERY clear it wasn’t gonna last….much longer…really I was holding out for the holiday presents, and impermanence meant I was going to once again be alone. And then I had many winter holidays where I was alone. Me with me and there I was alone, with me, feeling lonely, convinced the holidays embodied just how sucky I was.

Of course, being the true GoGo I am, I had to do all this work on facing my loneliness. I want to face the fear of being alone for two reasons. First, so no matter if I was with someone or not, I could know I was okay. Second, I wanted to avoid sticking around in ANY relationship in response to the fear of being alone.

But each year the holiday seasons insisted that I feel alone and miserable.

This year…this year I am pretty sure I am not alone. Yep, I see no end date on this one. That’s totally new and rather…new. It’s weird really.

Anyway, I find the winter holiday blues creeping in anyway. I am surprised that what I thought would remedy the situation hasn’t. I still want to crawl into a hole and die! The good news is this year I could argue I have very valid reasons for feeling so blue. Jobs, finances, economy, and the family disowned me AGAIN. In fact, I dare say I am glad I have actual life stressors ripping up my mood. I’m already feeling crappy, so might as well have actual sh!t go down to reflect the mood.

Is that a twisted way of looking at things?


Even with my wry logic though, those blues are creeping in heavy and thick. I find myself sleeping more. Motivation decreases and I am left wanting to sit all the time. Tiny thoughts slither about the brain saying things like “I might very well be a looser” and “You really should hate yourself you overrated ass.” And did I mention the mood? It’s blue and worn and I could so go for crawling into a hole and dying. Each day my focus becomes increasinly limited to the sheer motivation to get up and participate in life. :(. Not good.

Oh, don’t stress too much for me. I suspect seasonal mood something or other and my hippocampus probably is in a rut and needs one more season to get it through its thick brain matter that we don’t have to be depressed in winter. This means another season of reassurance I will be okay and that feelings are impermanent. I follow a simple montra for fighting depression, "Get up, move around, and just try and do the basics to living."

And in some ways I am grateful that here I am feeling sh!tty even though I have what I thought would fix the crap-a-de-crap-crap feeling I am currently experiencing. Why? Because this means that alone/loneliness feeling isn’t fixed from the outside. It really does stem from an internal makeover. I like that idea. I can do something with that. There’s less pressure. :)

Now excuse me, I have a hole to visit.