The winter holidays bum me out. It started out as a response to the constant exposure to the financial stress procured by the familia in winter into the reaction of the absence of them, into my very own memorial season of the feelings alone and loneliness. Sometimes I think the brassy blues that creep up around this time is an automatic habit procured by years of reinforcement. I never feel so alone or lonely in any other season as I do in winter, particularly around X-mess. I want to crawl into a hole in winter and die, I tell you. Rot and fester and decompose just to honor the misery of feeling alone.
Except I am not alone. I’m seeing someone. And this isn’t the first winter season I have been in this predicament either. I mean, in holiday seasons past, I have also been with someone. Hmm. What gets me is, if I am with someone or not, I still feel alone. I could say because in the relationships of the past it was VERY clear it wasn’t gonna last….much longer…really I was holding out for the holiday presents, and impermanence meant I was going to once again be alone. And then I had many winter holidays where I was alone. Me with me and there I was alone, with me, feeling lonely, convinced the holidays embodied just how sucky I was.
Of course, being the true GoGo I am, I had to do all this work on facing my loneliness. I want to face the fear of being alone for two reasons. First, so no matter if I was with someone or not, I could know I was okay. Second, I wanted to avoid sticking around in ANY relationship in response to the fear of being alone.
But each year the holiday seasons insisted that I feel alone and miserable.
This year…this year I am pretty sure I am not alone. Yep, I see no end date on this one. That’s totally new and rather…new. It’s weird really.
Anyway, I find the winter holiday blues creeping in anyway. I am surprised that what I thought would remedy the situation hasn’t. I still want to crawl into a hole and die! The good news is this year I could argue I have very valid reasons for feeling so blue. Jobs, finances, economy, and the family disowned me AGAIN. In fact, I dare say I am glad I have actual life stressors ripping up my mood. I’m already feeling crappy, so might as well have actual sh!t go down to reflect the mood.
Is that a twisted way of looking at things?
Even with my wry logic though, those blues are creeping in heavy and thick. I find myself sleeping more. Motivation decreases and I am left wanting to sit all the time. Tiny thoughts slither about the brain saying things like “I might very well be a looser” and “You really should hate yourself you overrated ass.” And did I mention the mood? It’s blue and worn and I could so go for crawling into a hole and dying. Each day my focus becomes increasinly limited to the sheer motivation to get up and participate in life. :(. Not good.
Oh, don’t stress too much for me. I suspect seasonal mood something or other and my hippocampus probably is in a rut and needs one more season to get it through its thick brain matter that we don’t have to be depressed in winter. This means another season of reassurance I will be okay and that feelings are impermanent. I follow a simple montra for fighting depression, "Get up, move around, and just try and do the basics to living."
And in some ways I am grateful that here I am feeling sh!tty even though I have what I thought would fix the crap-a-de-crap-crap feeling I am currently experiencing. Why? Because this means that alone/loneliness feeling isn’t fixed from the outside. It really does stem from an internal makeover. I like that idea. I can do something with that. There’s less pressure. :)
Now excuse me, I have a hole to visit.