Monday, April 6, 2009

its taken me this long, but i finally want to bang my head against a wall

Late work night breeds into early morning lulls. My mind wants to be sleepy, but can’t stop ruminating on funky thoughts about things I cannot control. If I could, I’d run right now and wouldn’t stop running until my legs collapsed, lungs breathless and mind comfortably worn blank. I know dramatic.

I think all those things I cannot control are beginning to wear on me. Patience, a virtue I certainly struggle with, has run thin. For example, my mother. I love her very much and am grateful for the life she gave me. With that said, my mother has wanted me to be married and pregnant since I came out of her. When I was 18-years-old, after hours of my mom badgering me because I was going away to college, I finally promised my mother at the age of 25-years-old that I would get married and have children. At dawn of my 25th birthday, my mother called me wanting me to pay up on the agreement, saying “But you promised!” By that point I had enough of a language to tell her I was too young to make such promises.

At 30-years-old, while in my hometown visiting my mother, she insisted on a conversation where she informed me I was getting old and I had 10 years at best before menopause robbed me of child birth. She then whittled it down 5 more years because of family genetics. I remember I finally informed her that I was not going to have children and she would have to grieve the idea, thereby excluding her from any thoughts of children I might have.

Because of my mum’s desperate need for me to be married and with child, I have avoided sharing any aspects of my relationships…until recently, which was a stupid idea, I have to say. I have been privy to fall in love someone I want to build a life with. Swallow hard. That is hard enough to figure out without adding my mother’s wants and needs to the pot. It’s gotten to the point where I want my parents to meet her. Except that has once again opened the dam of my Mother’s intentions for me. Since I mentioned that I want to visit with my gyrlfriend, my mother has insisted we get married or we cannot stay in her house. She has called me daily with “gay states” where I can get married.

AAAAAHHHHHH!

I cannot control her. I cannot reason with her about…oh I don’t know, my needs and desires in life, or hell, the pragmatic idea that one should take things slow in relationships before jumping into martyrdom and kids. My mother hasn’t even met my significant yet and she wants us married. Is that fucked up to anyone else?!!! In fact, I think that is the rub for me in all of this. It really is the end result – marriage & grandkids. There is no me, no making sure that my g/f is good for me, its all about her! I just want the g/f to meet the parental units, hopefully live with me and we’ll go from there.

I know this is dirty baggage in the open air. I know I cannot change her no matter what I say or do; all I can do is take care of me. And all I want to do is run.

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um, on the plus side of life, I just received an email asking me if I want to perform some prose for an art gallery show opening in July! ;)

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