Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Sucking Out the Hue

I’m burning the late night hours at work, turning time into money, turning paperwork into more paperwork. Eyes layered thick with sleep, the mind won’t turn off; I go outside to smoke a cigarette, that dirty bastard habit marking me an addict of something. Residuals of worn hours wear the mind thin and I cannot wait to sleep, turning this mood off. A harsh history takes its opportunity to sit on my shoulder and whisper “remember me” through stained memories. I chuckle and brush them off like dandruff on the collar trusting this weary late night betrays me. I remind myself a useful mantra – never ask the meaning in life when the mood turns blue.

I inhale my habit, exhale another 14 minutes watching fading night turn lighter. I know I can’t snub out this sadness with the last smoke, but I try anyway. What saves me is the assurance there is cacophony to the melancholy. Having told someone seven hours before that depression is a lying bastard never to be believed, I hold strong to that truth. No I am not depressed, just weary and vulnerable to all those sad stories thrown at me. I know what I am feeling and what is feeling me – those poo poo poor me sentiments will not become sedimentary. But I give myself permission to have them anyway because sometimes we need to imagine our funeral to appreciate the life worth living. Even now, feeling blue, I cannot help but suck out all the hue and I smile.

2 comments:

human being said...

when a heart is bearing the burden of a crowd's sadness... it shines brighter than the sun... even if it is hidden by clouds of doubt and despair...

love

GoGo said...

thanks, hb.

~gg