Thursday, January 28, 2010

Playing in the GoGo Café

quote of the day:
"“We need to decide that we will not go to war, whatever reason is conjured up by the politicians or the media, because war in our time is always indiscriminate, a war against innocents, a war against children”"
~Howard Zinn

in house poets:
Little Fish by Maya Stein
American Sentence in Bed by Rethabile Masilo
Siren Short TallLong Tall & Middle Tall by the Walking Man

on the walls:
Todd Hiddo

Cheers Bob Noorda

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

So it is and so it shall be.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Drop by Drop: I Miss you, Mouse.

Scrubbed my face, drinking the coffee, and trying to put words down for this late rise.  I’ve wanted a “Time Out” day to linger among the dirty laundry and dishes.  To be quiet with myself and listen to the blood drops between chamber beats.  While wrapping the wet hair in the towel, I realized that grief still lingers there and this sudden sense of gratefulness came over me.  I’ve always lived by the precept that grief is a reflection of how much we care and to let ourselves feel it through, honors those who left.  Yadda yadda yadda.

My friend Mouse was an important person to me. We haven’t seen each other since high school. In High School, we were alphabetically connected in advisory class. We shared our lives on periphery of existence making each other laugh before heading out into our separate spheres.  About a year ago, we connected on the fb and continued our relationship. Adding wit and insight to the random status updates. Mouse had a tendency to repost my prose and poetry and I love him for this.

I suspected he was heading into his downward spiral. His post had a labile nature and we all understood he was spending time with a 1/5th of grief. I wasn’t on myface when he suddenly broke and decided to head out.  Thoughts still linger with what I could have done if I had been reading his posts.  My license stipulates assistance when I suspect harm against self or others. There is comfort in legal obligation when in the personal realm it’s hard to know when to step in. I know if I had been present, I would have stepped in. This is the hard part of grief because as his friend, I wanted the opportunity to step in and “ap him” to a hospital for 72 hour observation – to allow professionals to work with him on different options.  So he could dry out and have a clear head for the choice, if he still wanted to kill himself.

What’s done is done. This plot hook in my narrative has no place to go. Mouse killed himself. Others did try to step in to no avail. I wonder when I will pick up this thread in my story that feels unresolved. I am angry at him too without judgment and appreciate anger in the grief process.  I do know this has influenced me working harder with the clients I have regarding S/I. 

And then there is the choice in the matter. I believe death is a choice for some and would never try and take it away. Mouse made that choice, despite others trying to support him through different options.  So, I put down the little hook in my head that wants to linger in the “what ifs”. I accept then that I am left with the sadness, confusion, anger, and hope that I feel in this bag called grief. 

My days are good right now. Life has never felt so simple, pure and whole. My love, my friends, my family, and even my coworkers bring laughter and support everyday. My photography keeps me sane. Writing has slowed due to life’s technical obligations and my time is filled with getting the logistics done. I knew January and February would be busy months taking away from this area.  I am a self-entertaining unit and this is bringing me joy.  So, I let the sadness linger in my heartbeats. I let myself feel the loss of my friend.  He really was important to me.  It’s in this importance that grief becomes sacred.  I am not sure how long it will linger. As long as it needs to, I suppose. I am not one to hold onto it as a reflection of care, simply a person who allows this self to feel it until like most things; it is ready to pack its bags and go. 

I take time to support his friends that were closer and are having a harder time. I believe when people leave this earth, they leave like a rain drop in water, causing ripples connecting together those left behind.  The closer one is to the epicenter, the bigger the waves. So, I hold their hands and simply listen to them.  He was most definitely missed by many.  Suicide is a harsh one to deal with too.  The inheritance from such a death can even linger through the generations.  Ah, but that is a conversation for another time. I’ll leave that one for the poetry.

For now, I miss you Mouse.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Hopscotch for Jesus

(Fiction, Prose, Idea!)
G-d went and changed his gender to suit better understanding and I call zer the Universe these days.

When Christians pray for my soul in the up coming rapture, I hold their hands and pray. I ask for their forgiveness since they are sinners. You see, I am convinced G-d/Universe put me here to provide forgiveness to all those sheparded souls who never stopped to think where the devil is residing these days. He's at the pulpit asking the masses to segregate once again a people for their differences, and then I tell them, they will never have a Christian State 100% gauranteed until everyone can marry who they love.

I know its crazy. Arrogant really. But its true. Those poor bastards really are screwing the fabric of their existence. 

Once a fellow coworker - white, male, republican - asked me if I would stand in front of G-d and tell him he was wrong regarding homosexuality? My response, "I believe G-d will thank me for standing up to the devil spreading lies at the pulpit. I think you're wrong."  Horrified he was, but he asked me, "And if I'm right, would you ask for forgiveness?"  My answer, "No. Then G-d would be wrong, so really its an impossible scenario."  He put me on his church prayer list. I told him it would be a great reminder to see my name and remember G-d tried to teach him the way, if only he'd listen. My coworker got a new job.

Yeah, I am pretty sure I am a redneck homo playing hopscotch for Jesus.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

burning the sage

Strapping on the day, my mind muddled by the residue of a sleepy wake, I want to go back to bed. We all have our own stories to live and how we write those narratives matter. Me, I want to know I lived strong with integrity searching for how to love in nobility for all involved.  Spice me with humor and a good time & this GoGo knows it will be all right.

The older I get, the less power my walls have over the truth of the matter.  Grief is just a real an experience as happiness and euphoria. Without one, the other can only live in a shallow ego space.  Without balance, we inevitable tip the scales toward all the things we want to avoid.  All our parts work together, body, mind, feelings and soul – this fleshy machine asking us to keep the joints oiled so we can keep moving towards Oz.  

I miss Mouse today. I’ve seen his story in such repetitious sadness.  I find this self listening to the sirens that warn us against the currents crashing against the rocks.  It didn’t have to happen.  But it did and now all I can do is honor the grief.  It’s pointless to point out what added to his misery.  I know I am listening.  But here I go again, trying to arch understanding around the schematics in growing older, wiser, and stronger.  

Ah, but I’ve run out of time for these words on the page.

Friday, January 15, 2010

quick note

Rushing through the day, preparing for a retreat. I am excited to begin this year by debriefing last years actions and forming new decisions for the new one, even if it is for the activist space I have helped build. I remind myself, though late in this new year, I need to do this in my own life, separate from the public spheres.  

2010 greeted me while in the arms of my love. Grateful am I to the universe for the experience. ;)

Then I came home to a message that a friend from high school killed himself. He left an fb suicide note to add to the grief. Grateful am I to the universe that where he left off a sea of forgotten hope renewed in faces coming together to grieve. I am still processing this in my self. Still trying to wade through the sea of feelings. 

Done with the lingering eye on this page from women who do not have good intentions for me. If I am invisible for your own needs, I hope the universe provides invisibility in return. Do not come back here anymore.