Tuesday, February 16, 2010

sketchbook: winter commute

I trudge through snow with my ducklings on. The wind giggles against the flap of my hat. Rosey cheeks blush a pretty pink grinning with the wind’s sentiment. Sunshine in the tundra breaks through the chasm of clouds hunkering above us for days now. I admit it makes it easier, that snow glow winter light. Winter in Capitol Mit, a commuter nonetheless, I’m taking a hike every time I go outside. Mr. So-So & Grad Students What Not, don’t shovel; add onto that piles of snow plowed from the road, by the time I take a right to the Bodego, I’ve climbed a few crest or two of snow heaps.  It’s actually quiet exciting. Patches of ice rinks cross the path & I’m sliding through my day.  I try not to protest against winter and remember to play.



I trudge through snow
with
my ducklings on.
The wind giggles    against
the flap of my hat.
Rosey cheeks
blush a pretty pink
grinning with the         wind’s sentiment.
Sunshine in the tundra       breaks
through the chasm of clouds
hunkering for days now.      I admit
it makes it easier,
that snow glow winter light.
Winter in Capitol Mit,
a commuter nonetheless,
I’m taking a hike          every time
I go outside.
Mr. So-So & Grad Students What Not,
don’t shovel;
add onto that piles of
snow plowed from the road,
 by the time
        I take a right to the Bodego,
I’ve climbed a few crest or two of snow heaps. 
It’s actually quiet exciting.
Patches of ice rinks
cross the path
& I’m sliding       through      my day. 
I try not to protest            winter
and remember to play.  

8 comments:

the walking man said...

GG I get the pieces point and the imagery in the prose styling is good, very strong, but the question I have is this.

What rule of thumb or what is it that made you do your line breaks where you did and also explain the looooong pauses that you incorporated by using the blank spaces?

To my eye and my ear (yes I read it aloud as I saw it on the page)it broke up and became stilted. In order for this to work as you versed it you alone would be able to read it because you hear it in a singular voice.

This is not as much a critique, mind you, as it is a question. The Girls of Sunday Night go over and around these questions whenever we meet up to work our writing.

GoGo said...

I like the question. Questions are always welcomed.

The piece felt stilted in general, though in the mind's eye it could slide, become visceral to the experience of trudging in the snow. Mind you, sketches are quick scribbles in a moment.

I don't think I used a rule of thumb. I find the spaces at the beginning haphazard, but concise at the end. I came back last night and broke the piece up in an attempt to make it flow better. I wanted to incorporate visual experience of the piece.

This is one of those pieces where I'd actually want to take it apart and re-glue it together. I noticed what you noticed and its nice to have a sense of what gives pause, not just what is good.

That's a big enough comment. Tell me more about Gyrls of Sunday Night?

~gg

the walking man said...

GG

On my blog lower in the side bar you'll see a picture of a tall blond and a medium sized red head (this week) and a fat hairy chick, then in the post from, Sunday/Monday this week I think, I headed it with a picture of a short brunette and the tall blond and the fat hairy chick.

Long Tall
Medium Tall (my wife's mini me)
Small Tall (who has the biggest balls of all)
and The Fat Hairy Chick

These are my friends and cohorts. when I can get them out of girl mode and wanting to work at writing we work at writing, editing their pieces and adding opinion and words that create a rhythm the lone author may have missed.

Mostly though we hang out because we enjoy each others company, have mutual inclinations to the arts and simply like each other.

I listen, they listen and we find that as a unit we can damn near deflect any of the usual bullshit that sad people want to throw at relatively content people. When one of us hits a bad patch we know there is always someone there to make the other laugh it away.

the walking man said...

In Winter commute I heard it one way as a prose piece and the chop just distracted my unnecessarily.

I know a slam poet, we did a chap anthology together, she wrote with those long blank spaces because that was the way she slammed the piece. But on the page it halts it breaks up the flow for the reader and to my way of thought a piece has to work in both the ear and the eye.

But in this piece even without the long pauses I don't get the line breaks. Like the second line put "with" back to the first line and verse break after hat.

I'd break it there because the subject changes from the temporal, clothes and hat and it flows.

Then in the second part it becomes personal, your cheeks and the "I personal" comparison. would end that verse at "that snow glow winter light."

Because the scene changes from the winter day to the people the narrator encounters. I'd period . after bodega and end with a fourth verse because you revert back to the personal experience and your desire though cold still wanting to play which tacks in nicely back to the second where the narrator is enamored of the scene.

And this is what TGoSN do when we actually work at it.

GoGo said...

again, i like!

I never really intended to work this piece. Aah, but I've been there for a while now. I think I need to review what you've said and apply this to the piece.

I think I see where you are coming from. I agree with creating breaks according to the change in the narrative. Adding a 4th verse? hmm. I could, and this would mean actually coming back to this as a piece to review.

This is where your comments come like a loving boot in the ass. How I have been lackadaisical with the writing. This is what I need to do to move beyond personal narrative I've felt stuck in for some time. I need to work my pieces. So thank you.

~gg

GoGo said...

As for TGoSN, sounds like a very sweet deal. Very lucky indeed.

Now, lets see if I can find a decent group around here.

~gg

the walking man said...

It be better to let people come and go GG then when they stay you know you have found a compatible friend.

GoGo said...

i hear that. time will tell.