Regarding my relationship to my addictions like smoking:
My words here feel stunted because I cannot face myself. The first person we lie to is our self when we choose to lie to the other. History repeats the unheard lesson - a liar who lies for you, will lie to you. Therefore, when I lie for myself, I am capable of lying to myself. I've seen a thousand stories that back this up. heh, Lying is a special tool, it can be used appropriately, but too few of us take the time to know when it actually is warranted and when its simply the easiest thing to do. In theory, as we learn to grow in our own emotions and build a dialogue to express them, lying falls to the wayside for honesty and here we can discern the tool and the defence mechanism*. I say in theory because this process is rare in my society. How many people lie to their bosses, lie for a fuck, lie about their addictions and the reasons for them, lie about how they might be responsible for their own and/or others misery (which is most often the case), lie to a partner, lie lie lie about something irrelevant for such a calculated tool.
The more we lie for others, for our self, the harder it is to actually see the truth under the epidermis of the psyche. The more we rely on lies to expedite our choices, the harder it actually is to see the authentic truth hidden behind them. I write this because I feel like I have been doing much self lying to avoid truths too hard to face. I don't like this at all. Especially since I don't buy that everyone lies, so why not do it. Blah blah blah. Rather then relying on the lie to get me through anything, I'd rather learn how to have an honest dialogue with this self. It is possible.
It is possible.
Just a thought, a challenge, a moment of letting the walls fall away. I am feeding myself bullSh!t and calling it caviar. This is my first step to facing my truth.
*I find the first thing folks do when discussing lying is to point out all the valid, if not extreme and unrealistic times when lying can be appropriate. So rather then get lost in the self debate about the whether the complete truth or a lie is more warranted, I will yield that lying is a tool that can be used in our social systems to negotiate our social systems. With that said, I would argue before anyone can truly report which time is a helpful tool, one must also acknowledge its unhealthy mechanisms. I don't buy into the idea that certain lies which are so prevelant in our society are valid. I say this because our society denounces emotions, particularly the uncomfortable ones like anxiety, shame, guilt, sadness, and grief WHICH isn't helping any of us, so just because society wants to go jump off the bridge doesn't mean it was a bright idea. I can tell my coworkers the truth about a moment without qualm or lies, and it is hearable yet candid. Once I learned the tools of conflict resolution - lying was the emotionally underdeveloped malnourished thing to do in the situation. When I stopped relying on it, it was no longer the healthiest choose in my grab bag of tools.